Progressive overlord

I know it's shocking, but girls can learn how to do bent-over rows, too.

I was at the gym a few weeks ago — it was back day. I was doing bent-over rows with a barbell. This isn’t the most intuitive exercise for me. You have to very consciously maintain form and brace your core if you want to prevent injury. Because my lower back felt a bit sore after cleaning my floors that morning, I opted for a lighter weight just to be safe.

While I performed said rows, there was a man in the gym about my age using one of the cable machines just behind me.

In between sets, I turned around to set my barbell down. The man made eye contact with me. He then motioned for me to take my airpod out — presumably he had something to say.

For a split second I assumed this stranger was about to give me unsolicited pointers on my form. I prepared myself — obviously this sort of intervention is well-intentioned; if a person is lifting with bad form, it’s in their best interest to learn how to lift weight properly, lest they injure themselves. But personally, I can’t think of a time I’ve paid attention to anyone in the gym for long enough that I actually notice prolonged bouts of poor form. When I’m in the gym, I’m not paying attention to anything other than what I’m doing.

“How long have you been lifting?” He asked. “You have such good form — and this is a tough exercise to get right.”

I thanked him — what he had to say wasn’t quite what I expected.

“I honestly think you could go heavier.”

“Yeah, I hurt my back a little bit yesterday so I’m taking it lighter today.”

“Oh, I see. Well, if you want to feel it even more with this lower weight, I’d recommend squeezing those shoulder blades together when you get to the top of the exercise.”

There it was, the advice.

“Thanks,” I said. “I’ll try to do that from now on.”

“I’m Chris by the way,” he continued, offering to shake my hand.

I thought Chris might try to chat more — or ask for my number. I didn’t want him to, so I wasn’t friendly beyond introducing myself in return and thanking him.

Thanking him for what, exactly?

I guess, for noticing that I had good form and interrupting my workout in order to tell me that.

Reflecting on the situation as I continued my workout, I got all twisted up, thinking:

1. I couldn’t imagine Chris stopping a man mid-workout in order to compliment his execution of the bent-over row.

2. Maybe it was really that surprising to see a woman with proper form in the gym (though to say something about it is definitely weird and patronizing, no?).

3. Probably more likely: Chris noticed me, was impressed by something (maybe my “form”) and used it as an excuse to talk to me.

4. Whatever the situation or motives, I probably would have preferred he not interrupt me at that time.

5. Even still, his interrupting me wasn’t a big deal. I wouldn’t hold it against him.

6. I don’t want men to feel like they’re walking on eggshells around women.

7. But something about the interaction did make me feel weird. Again, I probably would have preferred he not interrupt me at that time.

8. If a woman is approached by a man in public (whether at the gym or elsewhere) and she is either unavailable or not attracted to the person approaching her, is she more likely to prefer he not interrupt her? Probably.

9. In other words: If the woman views a man as desirable, does she welcome the interaction? Or does it feel off-putting, regardless, for a man to act surprised that you know how to perform a bent-over row?

10. I’m sure the answer is different for everyone.

11. It takes a lot of courage to speak to a stranger, especially if you’re looking to meet new people, get someone’s number, etc.

12. The whole world seems to be dissatisfied with the state of modern dating. Everyone’s always talking about how hard it is to meet someone who won’t love bomb you one week and ghost you the next.

13. Dating apps are so impersonal. Shallow.

14. So in a way I admire a person who can get outside of their comfort zone for the sake of pursuing human connection.

15. But is that what this was?

16. Maybe it was something about the male-coded setting that made this feel… weirder than it would have felt at a pottery studio, or even at a pilates studio?

17. In case he didn’t know, I was in the middle of something. I was out of breath. I was focused. I wanted to complete my full workout before I had to leave.

18. Or maybe I’m inflexible and a bad sport for thinking any of this.

19. Reminds me of the time last year that an older man approached me as I did lunges on the smith machine. He said if I made a few adjustments I’d feel it in my glutes more. Because yeah — that’s all we girls care about in the gym: chasing that round bubble tush.

20. What this guy said was pretty different though.

21. Right?

22. I must stop thinking.

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Got a Clorox wipe. Cursorily cleaned the yoga mat. Chris and I ran into each other near the drinking fountain as I left.

“Elizabeth, right?”

“That’s right. And you’re Chris.”